Lie to Everyone: How I Became a DJ

"You should never lie." Great advice from someone who never takes chance. You should NEVER tell the truth if it's going to harmlessly improve a situation for everyone. Example: In 2004 I told a popular band's management company I was the media director for a very high profile website and managed to get a photo-pass for one of their concerts.  It was a GREAT evening. But that's another story.

Recently a local bar I have attended more that once had to let their awful DJ go.  He would play nothing but wife-beater rock (Nickelback, Buck Cherry...) mixed with techno and KARAOKE for some reason.  His crowd was always becoming far too intoxicated and starting fights.  It became too much for the bar owners to deal with.

After stopping in one friday evening and noticing the weekend air was not filled with it's usual violent, loud music I inquired where the DJ was.  The bartender informed me that they had let him go for the aforementioned reasons and they weren't sure what they were going to do.

Now, despite the title of this article, I can not lie to you. I may have had at least one half of one beer when I decided it would be a great idea to let the staff know that, in fact, I AM A HIGHLY EXPERIENCED DJ!

After all, at countless holiday and birthday parties, I had spent hours with friends around our own turntables, computers, and cd players...using crude two channel mixers to fade between sources and selecting songs to mix for the whole party.  That's basically all you have to do, right?

What could go wrong?

Besides, It was late on a friday when this conversation happened.  What harm or danger has ever come from casual talking across the bar.

THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY

Lunch is such a wonderful time of the day.  Especially lunch during mid Spring.  Eating outside, admiring the blossoms on every tree, and the returning sound of landscaping crews bring an emotional warmth to any spirit.  I had such a wonderful sandwich that tuesday: Avocado, roasted red peppers, and mushrooms on rye bread.  I had slept in a bit that morning and did not have time to toast the bread which was sort of a bummer but those are the pitfalls of such a tradeoff.  Midway through my break, the phone rang.

A number I don't recognize...hmm.  It was the owner of my local bar.  The bartender had told her I was a highly trained DJ Assassin (I just made that up. "Assassin" was ever said by either of us...but it felt right to type just now.)  Any normal person would have simply said "Hmmm, I don't know where she got that idea. Maybe she misunderstood what I said." OR "You know what, I used to mess around with records once in a while but I might have oversold my experience."

NORMAL PEOPLE ARE USUALLY ASSHOLES.

"Oh of course I am a DJ...I DJ all the time!" That's what came out of MY FUCKING MOUTH! 

Partially, I've always loved the idea of being a DJ.  Playing songs people want to hear, making everyone excited to be out, alive and social...and also maybe I thought I was in this story too deep already.

I am a big believer in throwing yourself into the fire. No matter how much or how little knowledge I have on something, the best way to test my nerves and quick capacity to learn-while-doing, just jump in.

I don't often feel nervous or awkward, so any chance I get to put myself in a situation like that I welcome! It's pretty much why, I imagine, people of power usually like to be choked and peed on by those leather-clad S&M folks.  The people with good grounding seek adventure, while those that walk through life afraid of their own shadow are only looking for a place to sit and hide.

I ended up taking the gig for a whole weekend spot, friday and saturday.  Be confident! Not only can you potentially ruin my reputation and that of the bar in one night if it goes poorly; I'll have another shot the following evening aswell. Perfect!

HOLY CRAP THE GIG IS IN TWO DAYS AND

I DON'T HAVE A MIXER!

(or any clue as to what I'm doing)

I probably should have thought this through a little bit more.